Where is God?

I have a friend who is going through some rough stuff. Things on a life-altering scale that I could not imagine living through. We went out for dinner and chatted for a while and this question came up in the form of a statement, "I just dont see God in this at all."

Its the same question that has come to my mind when I am praying for this individual, "God, where are you?" Why is there not healing when we are asking for it?

As we were talking over dinner something kind of hit me. I thought of the people Jesus is on the side of: the poor, the oppressed, the sick, the mistreated. All throughout the bible scripture proclaims this. You can check out the "justice" bible which highlights the over 2000 verses with the topic of justice ( http://www.povertyandjusticebible.org). My friend definitely falls into this category.

Then I thought, "how many of those people that we read about in the Bible asked that same question, Where is God?"

Israelites in Egypt.
Abraham ready to sacrifice his son on an altar.
The silent centuries before Christ.
The man blind from birth.
The disciples after their teacher is crucified.
Jesus forsaken on the cross.

How many people who God is passionately fighting for feel abandoned by that very God? How much faith is needed to see beyond our present circumstances to a reality where God gets what he wants?

When God put everything under his Son’s control, nothing was left out.
However, at the present time we still don’t see everything under his Son’s control. (Heb 2:8)

I found this verse a few months ago as I was struggling with similar questions, and it was like a breath of fresh air. Thank God this verse is in the bible. Thank you that I don't have to make up excuses about it being all "in God's perfect plan" that terrible injustices happen to people. That sicknesses break families apart. At this time, we still don't see everything under Jesus' control.
And in the meantime I thank God he can use hard things to make good things. He can allow the experiences we go through to be a way that we can connect to and help others through those circumstances. He can give us hope that this is not the way it should be, and this is not the way it will be. He can give us the tools to be people who carry out his justice in this world.

They were brought into Israel.
God provided a different sacrifice.
The Messiah came.
Jesus restored his sight.
Christ conquered death.
The sacrifice was for us.

If you don't know where God is in your situation, it is likely he is passionately fighting for you. Have faith that this time passes.

Took it Slowly

Listen to Took it Slowly

This is an older song, I remember finishing it up a few years ago and thinking, "you done good Derek, you done good". The lyrics, that ending, that finger picking! Anyways...

I also refer to this song occasionaly as my "philosophy of dating" song. You listen perceptively to the second verse you may be able to perceive in my prose my two point conclusion on relationships with dames.

1. Dont assume you will marry her, treat her as if she belongs to another.
2. Leave her better than when you found her.

Now, I have not put this theory through much rigorous research, which is probably better than the alternative, but I still like the sound of that. Perhaps it is merely a reminder for myself. Dont fall too hard and too fast for the girl and be selfless in relationships. The people I see that are married or are in relationships make me both excited and terrified for a similar future. I feel, 4 years after writing this song, somewhat less qualified and sure of myself in giving out relationship advice.

I always feel a bit shallow writing songs that are about girls. "Of all the things on earth, you had to write another song about relationships!" I hope I don't ever do it as much as I do on this record, but those things are emotional wonders and catastrophes waiting to happen!

This song gets a short description mostly because it is something I dont really know what I am talking about. I believe in the goodness of relationships, but haven't had very much experience myself. I haven't found that "beauty I adore". And I don't mean that in a self-deprecating way or sorrowful way. I would like to think it more of hopeful expectation. Maybe someday I will write an even better song with my mountains of knowledge on the subject. Though it may be uncomfortable sometimes in the cold, I know its better to bundle up and keep living life than to stay inside.

Took it Slowly

Maybe its the way we always fall in line before we fall over
Maybe if I ran after you I'd put more distance between what is behind me
Maybe it's discipline, maybe I've been learning how to love
Maybe when the snow is flying I shouldn't hide inside but bundle up

I took it slowly for the first time and it feels like everything is new
You fascinate your tears they take over my eyes, til all I see is you
I took it slowly for the first time honest, my hearing's getting more acute
To the final note in the sort of song you wish would never end

Don't know if I'll be the last so I'll honor you like you belong to another
But I promise you this my friend I will leave you better than when I found you
I know til I've been around that I'm just spewing words
But I really think we could make it I don't think we would settle for what's been done

I took it slowly for the first time and it feels like everything is new
You fascinate your tears they take over my eyes, til all I see is you
I took it slowly for the first time honest, my hearing's getting more acute
To the final note in the sort of song you wish would never end

It only hurts cuz I know who you are
There is a life behind your eyes
Not many wars that are more worth fighting
No other beauty I adore

Feel OK

Listen to Feel OK

Last summer a friend of mine went through his first psychotic break and had to spend some time on the 3rd floor of the hospital. He had to go on disability, unable to return to work. He has a family and lived a life not unlike you or me.

This song is essentially the poetic form of a conversation I had with him not too long after his break. It was heartbreaking to listen to him talk about the added confusion in every facet of life: providing for his family, raising kids, being a loving husband, how to make marriage work, trusting God. How do you begin to embrace an "ill" mind?

It is hard to see bright eyes turned hollow turned lifeless. How much harder to experience? Not forever, but at least for a moment. I appreciate that I am beginning to see life in those eyes again now. Life that will never quite have the same trajectory, but present nonetheless. It is my prayer that "what man intends for evil, God can use for good. When this world tries to harm us there is more to be understood".

Mental health is fascinating and difficult for me, and for many of you, because we are all affected personally by it. I dont know very many people who have remained untouched by the various faces of mental health. Depression that numbs, anxiety that screams, delusions that scare us. I think its hard too because there is no surgery, or miracle drug, no cookie cutter solution to our problems. In a society that waves a flag of perfection, power, flawlessness, beauty and achievment, mental illness forces us to forget about striving for alot of what we thought we should aim for in life. Maybe not all of that is a bad thing. Maybe if the pressure for perfection is off we can embrace what humanity is really about.

We'll all spend our lives figuring that out, but some days the best we can hope for is just to feel OK.

I know its not your fault, but these bills still got to be paid
I know its not your fault, but these kids still got to be raised
I know its not your fault, some days it takes more than just these meds you've got to feel OK
I know its not your fault, I know, honey I know

Take this away, for just another day give me just one more day
Take this away, for just another day give me just one more day my dear
I love you, I hope we do OK I hope you feel OK
My dear, I love you

I know despite what you say, I know you don't mean those things anyway
I know despite what you say you don't think that we should give our kids away
I know its not my fault, some days I can't try hard enough just to feel OK
I know its not my fault, I know, honey I know

Take this away, for just another day give me just one more day
Take this away, for just another day give me just one more day my dear
I love you, I hope we do OK I hope you feel OK
My dear, I love you

What man intends for evil
God can use for good
When this world tries to harm us
There is more to be understood

My dear I love you, I hope we do OK, I hope you feel OK
My dear, I love you

More Time Alone

Listen to "More Time Alone"

More Time Alone was written in two chunks.
Verse 1 was written on a bus ride down from UNBC. It was the end of a long day. I loved taking the bus. A kind of forced break in my day. I had no excuses to speed up my car, nothing especially pressing to do, just time to think and look and rest. As I looked to the mountains in the spring landscape, the scene clashed with  emotions of exhaustion, anxiety, and busyness I felt. It was gentle, it was sweet, it was a kind of redemption. I find the good emotions can overpower what negative ones you are feeling, but it does require you to let go of whatevers clenched in your fists.

The second verse was written a month or two later.
I was working at Ness Lake Bible Camp in a leadership position for the summer and was on a weekend off. During the weekend, I listened to the siren song of an old vice. I felt remorse. I felt betrayal of my position at camp. Anyone who has hid secret sins for long enough knows the feeling.
I took off out of the house on my longboard, cursing myself. My pushing found me at the end of 1st avenue on the small hill before the east-going bridge. I sat down on the concrete barrier catching my breath. In that moment, I saw the most beautiful sunset I have ever seen. The sky was alive with jubilant colors cast onto the clouds and the grass. I felt in that moment apart from myself and wrapped up in the changing pastels above.
In that moment I felt as if I learned two things. 
1. My own wickedness and capacity to sin, 2. The overwhelming grace of God.
The beauty overtook any of my shame. It was as if God was calling me not to stare at the dark acts I will fall into for the rest of my life, but to be a part of colors that fill a different sort of picture.
"So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with one another so that you do not do what you want... let us keep in step with the Spirit." (Eph 5:16-17, 25)

It is very freeing to actually believe in the grace of God. That what I have done can actually be forgiven and redeemed. I do not merely have to push it out of my mind, but can own up to it and plead mercy as I too participate in lending that mercy to those who do wrong to me. This may be as close to a "worship" song as I ever write.

More Time Alone

A gentle touch on a razor's night
The sweetest aroma after putrid sights
The wind in the forest reaching past your skin
Undeserving death overcoming sin

I just need more time alone with you

The sky explodes to disarm my shame
Seas of color that fit a different frame
I long to paint this soul inside
With shades that pace to a different stride

I just need more time alone with you