More Time Alone

Listen to "More Time Alone"

More Time Alone was written in two chunks.
Verse 1 was written on a bus ride down from UNBC. It was the end of a long day. I loved taking the bus. A kind of forced break in my day. I had no excuses to speed up my car, nothing especially pressing to do, just time to think and look and rest. As I looked to the mountains in the spring landscape, the scene clashed with  emotions of exhaustion, anxiety, and busyness I felt. It was gentle, it was sweet, it was a kind of redemption. I find the good emotions can overpower what negative ones you are feeling, but it does require you to let go of whatevers clenched in your fists.

The second verse was written a month or two later.
I was working at Ness Lake Bible Camp in a leadership position for the summer and was on a weekend off. During the weekend, I listened to the siren song of an old vice. I felt remorse. I felt betrayal of my position at camp. Anyone who has hid secret sins for long enough knows the feeling.
I took off out of the house on my longboard, cursing myself. My pushing found me at the end of 1st avenue on the small hill before the east-going bridge. I sat down on the concrete barrier catching my breath. In that moment, I saw the most beautiful sunset I have ever seen. The sky was alive with jubilant colors cast onto the clouds and the grass. I felt in that moment apart from myself and wrapped up in the changing pastels above.
In that moment I felt as if I learned two things. 
1. My own wickedness and capacity to sin, 2. The overwhelming grace of God.
The beauty overtook any of my shame. It was as if God was calling me not to stare at the dark acts I will fall into for the rest of my life, but to be a part of colors that fill a different sort of picture.
"So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with one another so that you do not do what you want... let us keep in step with the Spirit." (Eph 5:16-17, 25)

It is very freeing to actually believe in the grace of God. That what I have done can actually be forgiven and redeemed. I do not merely have to push it out of my mind, but can own up to it and plead mercy as I too participate in lending that mercy to those who do wrong to me. This may be as close to a "worship" song as I ever write.

More Time Alone

A gentle touch on a razor's night
The sweetest aroma after putrid sights
The wind in the forest reaching past your skin
Undeserving death overcoming sin

I just need more time alone with you

The sky explodes to disarm my shame
Seas of color that fit a different frame
I long to paint this soul inside
With shades that pace to a different stride

I just need more time alone with you