Anyone whose been anywhere for any length of time may experience any or all of what I am about to tell you about. You leave, you come back, and a good portion of you feels like whatever is in between those two statements never happened. Home is just so homey, the familar just so familiar. It's like whatever you do to shake things up in life, the snow in the snowglobe still settles on those fixed miniature snowmen, christmas trees, and little cabins all the same. The first few weeks back are always a bit of a feeling out, "OK, what things actually changed?" It's as if my life is an etch-a-sketch, as if even on the plane ride home the airplane's turbulence is starting to erase the lines that I didn't go back over enough times during my experience.
I've been home a total of 10 days now, and the snow is starting to settle and the etch-a-sketch is starting to get frustrated that despite the shaking, there's still some lines that won't erase. There's a few things that I believe have changed.
I've been able to separate my depression from my spirituality and self-worth. I wrote a bit about this near the end of my trip, but this is a big change to being able to function well. It is a beautiful thing to wake up feeling terribly depressed, and yet being able to realize that God is still at work in this day, that I am still awesome, and that I can still be a blessing to those around me. It's as if I have been able to corner whatever virus lurks in my mind and let it know that it can only affect me in the places it exists, it can't spread into places it really doesn't belong.
I've also been able to appreciate each day. Every day on my trip I would write a journal entry. Where I was, who I met, what I ate, what I learned, what great puns I thought up but didn't have anyone to tell. I find it creates in me a sense of appreciation for each day. The Psalm I am reading this week says, "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Not that I think that every day needs to be some hyper spiritual event filled with life-altering conversations and activities, but more so that each day was meant to happen. Each day is a essential part of my life, not to be skipped through or thought of as inconsequential. It makes me a bit more thankful. It makes me a bit more prayerful. It makes me a bit more purposeful.
The last thing is that I have a healthy sense of hope. "As for me, I will always have hope, I will praise your name more and more. My lips will speak of your righteousness, my tongue will tell of your salvation, though I know not its bounds... though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again... You will increase my honor and comfort me once again." (Psalm 71) Going on a bike trip across Canada I think helped me get excited about exploring life again. I can do exciting things. I can do different things. I can change and become a different person. I'm not done growing, appreciating beauty, seeing new things. And in all those things, I have the grace to make mistakes and ask forgiveness. That learning things is OK, and trying things I am not good at is necessary to finding things you love.
Some people don't need to leave to find thankfulness, gratefulness, and purpose in life. I think I need to leave more often than I do in order to get my self-awareness back in check. I encourage you, if you need a break, take it. Work, school, and people will always wait. You can stand to miss weddings, you can catch up with people when you get back, money will always be there to be earned. But life can easily rush past instead of being lived.
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