Before I Lay These Dreams Aside

To listen to the song:            

    https://derekjoyce.bandcamp.com/track/before-i-lay-these-dreams-aside-2

               This is a song of a necessary defeat. This is my confession of mortality. I think it wasn’t until I was 22 that I realized I couldn’t do everything for everyone all the time. Focus is a limited resource. You can only have so many dreams. People are valuable, but you cannot know everyone deeply and intimately. You can easily swing too far the other way, into apathy and despair, and so I hope I have not done such. But realizing your limits is probably one of the most valuable things to learn.

                This was written in my third year of nursing. When school, finances, some girl, living situation, and depression seemed to comingle into a perfect storm. I had to back out of a few commitments, stop saying yes to every event and activity, gain some perspective on friendship and relationship, and lay all my anxieties at Jesus’ feet. Even in his most hopeful state, tomorrow robs you from experiencing life in the here and now.

                All of these lessons I am still learning, but I know that God has been very faithful to me. It is amazing to look back on the stressors I had then and the end result of all of them. I am graduated, I am ridiculously well paid for a job I enjoy, there will always be some girl, I am excited about where I will be living over the next year and this winter I have suffered less depression than any I can remember.           “So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’  … your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.” (Matthew 6:31-34)

Stuck in Ft George after dark, watching planes in the sky leaving trails in my mind

Wish I could close my eyes and be up there, way up in the air, could get a new perspective

I could get out of this head, I need to find a place to rest I need to crawl back into bed

I could make sense of this mess, maybe find two ends that meet, get some air beneath my feet

Before I lay these dreams aside, I’ll leave a trail so I can find them again some day

Somebody told me not to worry about tomorrow that tomorrow can take care of himself

Often I worry that tomorrow doesn’t know what he is doing, so I worry about him

I need more faith in your plan, keep in step with your spirit find your presence and draw near it

In God I trust I will not be afraid, in God whose word I praise

Before I lay these dreams aside, I’ll leave a trail so I can find them again some day

I’m sorry for the moments when I praise God and then curse his image bearers

I’m sorry when I think my hands are just as big as yours

I’m truly sorry that I can’t be everything to everybody all of the time

Before I lay these dreams aside, I’ll leave a trail so I can find them again some day

Love Won't You Stay

http://derekjoyce.bandcamp.com/track/love-wont-you-stay

There are times of your life where you regret what you've done. You know that you have wronged someone because of what you have done or said. The words left your mouth, the punch connected with their jaw, your greedy money stayed in your pocket. Your conscience is plagued by this irrepressible feeling of doing wrong. That isn't what this song is about.

There are other times in your life when you regret what you've done. You've prayed about the situation for months. You have stepped out of your comfort zone confronting and engaging in conversation people who you believe are making a mistake. Your heart breaks for the people involved to the point of tears and staying up at night. You have tried to see every perspective, every angle, every persons heart. And yet in the end, the result is the same. People are hurt. People are misunderstood.

This was a song about confusion. Something happened that I cannot reverse or take back, and even if I could, I am not sure what I would reverse or take back. Did the messiness need to happen? Was there a way I could have approached the situation differently? Its like you know its wrong, but your conscience can't quite pinpoint what would have been right. I have reached beyond the edge of my morality it seems.

I realize I am being somewhat ambiguous, but this song is nothing more than a deep longing. It is not about a person but for the very essence of "love". It is my hope that regardless of what was wrong and right, love, won't you stay. I suppose again it is a song about forgiveness. For what I was not able to do, for the community I was not able to be a part of, the friendships I was not able to mend, the fear I live under, the morality I do not even understand: I forgive myself. I will never have it all together, but I was always keep pursuing it, and I will never stop giving and receiving grace.

Love Won't You Stay

I know this fight is less against this flesh and more a sign
That there's evil reaching in
My hands are tied but I can still kneel and pray
Cuts through the soul to the heart of things

Love, won't you stay

You have always been the home that we come back to
You're the reason we started
So mother why, the fear in your heart the concern in your eyes
Is my spine just weaker
The battle lines have been drawn in all the wrong places
Feels like I'm fighting for both sides

Love, won't you stay

I'll Choke

https://derekjoyce.bandcamp.com/track/ill-choke-2

This is a song of frustration with my elated expectations of what life owes me. There are many times in my life where for months I will be depressed, saddened by my lack of this or that which I feel is due me. I see people around me who have what I desire, and they look so happy. I think bitterly to myself, “how can they do what I cant, and get what I want?” And then something hits me. A realization that I am blessed. That I live a ridiculously good life. And even if I didn’t, I am still called to live a life of joy. Content in whatever circumstance; grateful for the peace that passes understanding God provides and the daily bread that is offered.

I live in these lies that choke me. Lies that squeeze whatever life I have to keep and the life I have to give to others. In the holiest of vomits I need to expel my discontent. And in the holiest hour of rest I need to reflect and pray.

Much of this album is my experience in learning to appreciate the darkness. The holes in my mind. The craters of the moon. Letting the darkness shape you and take you places you could not visit in the daylight. There are areas of my soul I am not willing to travel by day, where I can see the ruin. Its only in the darkness that I can be led by One wiser than I to confront what I would not allow myself to confront by day. So I treasure the nights, the sunrise has yet to fail me. 

Summer love never comes around

Winter love is hard to be found

The fall it changes every single day

Spring wakes me from unrestful sleep

Rubbing my eyes and cleaning my teeth as my appetite grows larger than my charm

If I have to swallow one more lie I’ll choke

If I have to buy any more time I’ll be broke

The sundance kid knows how to walk them coals

Never smell flesh or burning soles

Doing what I cant and getting what I want

Me I’ll two-step with the moon at night

The craters filling the holes in my mind

It keeps my focus off the darkness in the night

If I have to swallow one more lie I’ll choke

If I have to buy any more time I’ll be broke

Almost

https://derekjoyce.bandcamp.com/track/almost

I still remember getting the phone call. Shannon had left for Australia for her 3^rd year nursing practicum on exchange. A man had entered her life not long earlier. That man had proposed to her and she said yes. It was great to see her happy. She called, mid afternoon in the summer. We cried on the phone as she told me her fiancé had slept with a prostitute. From the first phone call with her, I remember my sister asking the question: “what does forgiveness look like?” 

Who deserves forgiveness? Does this man? How deep does hurt have to run before you can justifiably be bitter? And if you can be justifiably bitter, why would you be? Forgiveness is healing. For this man, for my precious sister. Where would she be if she had never asked that question? What has unforgiveness cost you?

And for myself, who am I to cast blame? I think the more I live the more I learn what I am capable of, and it frightens me. My thoughts aren’t far from this man’s sin. If forgiveness cannot be spared for this man, then where can I find mine? If my God does not ask the same question my sister asks, then I am ruined.

The almost wedding. I am grateful that he confessed, that she is not married to this man. I am grateful that she is currently in a relationship with a man who encourages and spurs her on to be the best she can be. As the years progress, it is also a story of the goodness of God despite times we would rather not experience. As with most valleys we go through in life, as my sister has said, “I would not change that experience.”

For Shannon Joyce, a woman of strong wisdom and character. A woman close to God’s heart of love and forgiveness. My sister.

It was an almost wedding

Not quite but almost, not quite but almost

He could have lied his way through, lied his way through, lied his way through

Til she’d said I do

But how close was almost

When he took to the streets

How close was almost

When he takes back the ring

You’re not who I thought you were not even almost, not even almost

Its hard forgiving the almost, when he had you so close

He drew you so close

But blood had to be shed for the almost

Or I’d have the furthest to fall, I’d be a pillar of salt

You’re not who I thought you were not even almost, not even almost

Boxes

Have you seen 12 years a slave?

It is a heartbreaking story of a man who is stolen into slavery because of the color of his skin. The southern states do not see him as the free man he is in the north. His violin playing ability leads him on a performance tour ending in captivity. As if I needed more reasons to never be a touring musician.

I recommend the film, if you're in the mood to be appalled. But I just wanted to share one message I have been thinking about since seeing it.

The most captivating character I find in the movie, or perhaps simply the one I find myself relating to the most, is the slave-owner Ford. Ford is portrayed by Benedict Cumberpatch as a good slave owner.

When he first buys Solomon and others, he intentionally tries to purchase the children of a woman he buys. His attempt is foiled, but you can see some hint of conscience working within the man.
Again, some dim light of the soul is visible when he gives Solomon, a man who he has noticed has considerable knowledge and skills, a violin. I believe the line he says is, "may it bring us both much joy over the years."

But the most poignant scene is when Solomon gets in trouble. After calling a young racist foreman out on his foolish instructions, he is then confronted by this young, prideful foreman as he lays into him with his fiercest attack. The fiercest attack being tucking his tail between his ass as Solomon steals the whip and takes it to him. For this defiance, Solomon is strung up by his neck so only his toes, slipping in the mud, maintain a patent airway.
After hours. After many other slaves witness and can do nothing. After Ford's wife observes from the balcony. Up rides Ford who has been away from the house. Sword in hand, he swiftly cuts the rope choking Solomon in two, freeing the man. He clearly recognizes the injustice put on Solomon by this foreman. He is a savior working within the locked doors of hell.

Ford is working within a corrupt system. He is a man who is working within a box. The box of slavery. The standards of his righteousness can only be as high as that off the box he resides in. Perhaps he has been socialized to believe that this is the way life is. The culture around him may praise him as a good man, but he can only be as good as slavery can be. He is the cream of the crap, but he is still crap.

It made me think about the boxes I live in. The culture I find myself socialized into. The way I let businesses and organizations do my sinning for me through unfair wages, slavery, exploiting the earths resources. What are the boxes I live in that are too small?
There are alot of problems I contribute to by living in the wealthiest society the world has ever known. There are alot of social inequalities that are present in our own backyard and worldwide. There is alot of work to be done in the church if we are to be as radically life-giving, selfless, joyful, trusting, missional as Christ and his early followers (though there are great examples all throughout history and in and among us :))

As usual, I dont have alot of answers, just more questions!
I guess I wish I could have better eyes to see the fictional walls around me. Those socialized barriers I face. I think steps to figuring out those boxes include:

1. Knowing people in different boxes. Christians are especially adept at finding people in the same box. We like seeing the same shaped box, it encourages us. "Nice box" we tell each other, and we pat each other on the backs and make mennonite soup and sing songs that sound slightly like popular music 10 years ago. We build a new box church so even other christians with slightly different shaped boxes won't fit. We can get to know more of the world if we hang out in other peoples box forts.

2..Exploring! Similar to number one I suppose... but different in that it is the physical pulling yourself out of the culture you have lived in and being dropped in elsewhere. Travelling, moving, biking across Canada (a future blog post :)), new jobs. I have this dream that in my life I will have a home base (Prince George?) But every 5 years go and live in a different country for a year. Get random jobs/experience/language training and be someone that never gets too stuck in his ways.

3. Self-reflection. "Are you not entertained!"  yells Maximus Aurilleus. No really, are you ever not entertained? Is there down-time in your life to sit and think. Time to escape to the mountains, or a shack, or a journal, or even just talk your thoughts out over some guitar chords?

Now that I have made a 3-point agenda, the pastor's son in me can rest. And hopefully the rest of me can too, good night!

Arcade Fire

Man I love Arcade Fire. I'm reading a book that quoted Win Butler which put me on a bit of a youtube frenzy, devouring interviews, concerts, gear tours... But really, I remember being so happy when they won the grammys for "The Suburbs" a few years back. I bought the album on release day a year previous (just to prove my love of course). The lyricism and level of creativity the group has is near unparalleled this day and age.

He puts art back in a place where I think it should be. The prophetic voice. I dont mean to say that to sound hokey or overspiritualize it. I really think its the job of art to be calling into account the goverment, addressing the challenges of society, working through existential crises. Arcade Fire confronts alot of what I believe is wrong with our culture and with Christianity and gives it a voice that would not be heard otherwise.

The quote that stuck me onto them was in a book called The Sacredness of Questioning Everything by David Dark, which I will likely be quoting from over the next little bit. Win Butler said, "this idea that Christianity and consumerism are completely compatible... is the great insanity of our times." And you can listen to that ethos throughout Neon Bible and then The Suburbs. The disjointed paradox we create between a loving, creation caring, relational God and the world of the Suburbs: shallow, lonely, independent, greedy, and inward focussed.

Its musicians like the Arcade Fire that inspire my music and creativity in general to be doing the same, speaking truth into areas of lies. Our world gives us what we want. And thats the problem.

Arcade Fire on Q
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=n6JWK44Ror8

Arcade fire with Dwight! On the ever excellent Soulpancake.
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=XfqtoD1VHo4

Hey Ocean! Aidan Knight and friends covering Sprawl. Such a beautiful cover/song. I was over the moon when they played it when they played at the Thirsty Moose a while back
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=i25zLvU_xcs

For those with more time on their hands :) As if you needed proof that they were the best band in the world.
http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1tT9cPUOB_c

Reality

Do I really desire to live in reality?

More and more I think honesty is essential to living a full life. Not the kind of "I stole the cookie from the cookie jar" honesty, but the honesty of looking at what we really believe, how we really act, where we were wrong and others were right. We do ourselves a disservice I think in covering up our sins. I know in my own life, I shovel the snow on top of all my wrongs and failings making life look pristine, beautiful even. Then the sun comes, and the warmth comes, and as I am faced with the prospects of new full life my snow cover is melted away and I realize Im a mess. I shouldve cleaned up those leaves in the fall, I shouldve dealt with that garbage before it got soaked and frozen and hard to pick up.

My dad mentioned the other day that when counselling, alot of his job is getting people to observe their own role in things that are going wrong. Acknowledging their failures/sins/actions that have caused or at least contributed to this affair, or that addiction, this depression, or anxiety.
How often do I do this same thing? The exercise of honesty. Examining my own life, I realize I play the victim many times when I am really standing in the seat of the oppressor. A failed relationship, losing touch with a friend, depression, apathy, selfishness, living a consumer lifestyle. Its true bad stuff happens to everyone that is outside our control, but am I willing to dig up some dirt on myself? How much of it is really fate and how much of it could be prevented by my living more fully, godly, honestly, relationally?

Theres a verse I sometimes find myself drawn back to:
"Don't think you are better than you really are. Be honest in your evaluation of yourselves, measuring yourselves by the faith God has given us." (Romans 12:3)
I like this verse because it implies that the more faith we have, the more we can look at ourselves and say, "this is crap!" And I think thats because we understand both our failings and our desire to live righteously. We both acknowledge how far we have strayed from the path our creator has for us and gain some coordinates for getting back on track. And I guess we realize that we'd rather be honest, fallen, and with direction than dishonest, comfortable, and lost.

Sometimes we cant be honest with ourselves. Perhaps it may hurt too much or we need time to get away from the situation in order to see clearer. Sometimes we need others to poke and prod us in areas that hurt. I once penned a song with a line, "this isnt the love that I knew when I was younger, and you'd tell me when I was wrong

Oh please tell me when I am wrong".

Under the skin

Starting IVs is one of my favorite nursing pasttimes. I dont know why, something about searching for veins, the tactile skills needed to get the needle in the right spot, hitting the vessel and getting blood. Its a beautiful thing. I also find it a great time to get to chat with patients.

Last night I got to start an IV on a gentleman with cancer. On his bedside table were some great books, I could tell we`d find something to talk about. Lao Tsu, military related PTSD, you know, great stuff. So we got talking (and I had to poke him three times, sorry!), and at one point as he shared about how this trappist monk I am a fan of (Thomas Merton) wrote a translation of Lao Tsu's writings. I mentioned to him there was one Lao Tsu quote I found quite compelling:

"Those who live in the past are depressed. Those who live in the future are anxious. Those who learn how to be present are at peace."

A truth found in many religions.
This man with popped veins from fragility (my aim was on... my gentle touch was in my other scrubs) said to me, "That's really inspiring, thanks for sharing that. Not many people take the time to memorize those writings, I feel compelled to learn some!"

There is something special about conversation, about sharing what's important to you and whats on your mind.
His statement kind of kicked me into thinking of blogging again. For the sake of sharing whats on my mind, processing thoughts, and asking questions of myself and others of whats important.

A friend recently had this quote on her facebook status from Thomas Aquinas:
"Just as it is better to light up others than shine alone, it is better to share the fruits of one's contemplation with others than to contemplate in solitude"

I find the level of depth of conversations begin with myself. If I want to actually hear how someone is doing, then I need to be willing to open up to them. You can easily set the tone of a conversation to mundane with a "good" or "busy" response. Most people want to share I find, but you give them permission by being open yourself.

For the past 6 years or so my sister asks a question almost every time we talk. We've worked through our day to days, figured out the weather status in Salt Spring or Prince George and then she asks a simple invitation to be open, "So what have you been thinking about lately?" Ill be honest, years ago when I was just figuring out this sibling character of mine it used to annoy me. I dont know why, maybe I didnt actually want to be open or it felt like some default question, but it has quickly become part of my conversational mainstays with her and others. Its an easy to ask question that steers the conversation below the surface level.

So I dont know, I guess starting to do some writing of my thoughts people might actually read is just a way of practicing a little vulnerability. Practicing what it is to be open when someone asks you, "what have you been thinking about?" I realize more and more as I get older how easy it is to be insulated, to not truly know anyone, even the people you care most about. The harder the veins are to find, the more satisfying it is when you strike "red gold" under the surface of the skin.

I realize nursing analogies are disgusting.