Birth and Death

Last night was wonderful.

After 160km the day before, we were able to make it to Edmonton pedalling a measly 98km :) Dad and I stayed at the Coast hotel downtown. I don't know that I have ever fallen asleep so quickly in my life.
He took me out to "The Burg" just around the corner for an amazing pre-birthday birthday meal. It was spectacular. I had a bison burger with maple syrup and saskatoon berry ketchup. Saskatoon-freaking-berry ketchup! With yam fries, a good pint of Guiness, and, because no matter how much I consume I will not gain an ounce on this trip, finished off with cheesecake. Highly recommended.

Many people we met that found out we were a father-son duo gave us comments like, "that's so great!" or "that's really valuable". And it is both those things. My dad and I have just naturally sort of started an annual adventure trip. It made my first week alot easier to see someone in more physical pain than myself :), to draft behind in the wind, to talk with at night, and to pray with in the mornings. Plus it will now make my two man tent (which is a generous assessment) seem like a penthouse suite at the Ritz. So, thanks dad, I love you and look forward to our next adventure.

We did some reading of scripture this morning and sort of both started crying. Or, sweating from the eyes as men do. I don't know where they came from exactly, but its the same feeling I've had multiple times in my life.

The same sort of tears when I left my mom a week ago.
When my sister was leaving for Australia engaged to a man I didn't know.
At the wedding of a good friend and mentor before he left the country.

I think they're the tears of change. Moments when you realize things aren't, or aren't going to be, the same after this event. Every new birth comes with some sort of death. You can't move somewhere, start a relationship, accept a new belief, or go on a long trip without something being lost in the process. It's OK to mourn death, but its not OK if you never believe what is born will grow up strong. It's alot easier for me to look back on life than to imagine a future one.

As I prepared for this trip, and now that I am 800km into it, one reality that struck me is this: I can do whatever the heck I want. Change careers, go on long trips, live as a hermit, climb everest, eat my socks... not that I want to most of those things... but I shouldnt let my chronic overcommitment to things, or perhaps just a fear of death of those things I find comforting, restrain me.

I'll close with a song I have written but haven't had a chance to play outside my bedroom yet. It deals with a bit of that brith-death goodness.

Be hopeful friends, mourn death but don't forget to celebrate birth. What is being born in your life?

I didnt things would change even with that ring on her finger
And his presence at our family barbeques
I didn't think twice that it might not carry on like this, best of friends and summer kids
Leaving lesser things for greater conversation
Then it hit one day at church with your booked flights and packed bags and holding hands and starry gaze
And oh my God, where are you going
Where are you going

It's dangerous putting people up on the pedastel cuz don't you know even the giants fall
If you push real hard
I didn't hear a crash cuz I guess you just got moved over a bit out of the country and joined at the hip
To the best that can be found
I didn't realize til I was at the back of the wedding hall, breaking down in the bathroom stall
Crying cuz you were going
You were going

And I'm not saying things ended up wrong or that I wish this pain not on me
Just saying with every birth there's some death and we all end up buried some days
You don't know the inside of the coffin until the nails are hammered home
Our celestial lives answer to burning flesh and breaking bone

I can't live without this dying
I can't live without this death
There are many last breaths in this life won't you suck em all in
There are many last breaths in this life won't you suck em all in

Forest pirate

As I left Prince George, I felt a deep pain in my chest.

No really, it hurts alot, my third rib down on my left side. I think I gave it a good bruise (hopefully not a crack :() on the Friday before I left when I played some intense glow in the dark ultimate frisbee until 1am. During said game, I managed to run into my good friend David Morgan. Apparently getting sacked wasn't the most painful part. My rib! Every time I sneeze it feels like my rib is being ripped off of my sternum. It is getting a bit better though. And I have hopes that by the end of this week I will be able to have allergies like a normal person.

Highlights of the trip so far:
Some guy driving by slowed down to our speed and gave my dad and I a handful of fresh cherries. Delicious.
When we arrived tired at Mt. Robson last night the cafe had just closed, but we were let in by a kind lady who nagged us for a bit then let us order a big ol' bowl of stew.
A squirrel jumped on my head! No really! We had a friendly squirrel hanging out with us during lunch, then he just looked at me and pounced! He hung out on my shoulder for a bit. I felt like a pirate of the forest.

It really has been gorgeous. The Robson Valley was excellent to bike through and we are currently in Jasper. The rain today, though getting us and some gear wet, made for some beautiful mist on the mountainsides as we journeyed into the rockies. For now it seems like all I've had time to do is bike, eat, and sleep. I am hoping as we continue to adventure I'll have energy to read all those ebooks I brought along.

I have had lots of time to think during my biking, and I'm sure will post some more later, but I need to sleep and get at er again tomorrow.

1 province down. Venture further into Alberta tomorrow.

I'm really going.

Tomorrow I am starting my journey across Canada on bicycle.

Click here for my approximate route.

The first question people ask me is, "are you doing it for a cause?"
Followed closely by, "are you going with anyone?"

My grandmother patients sharing a room the other day were aghast that my response to both questions was, "nope!" (Mostly just to the second one, "won't your mother be worried!")

It's a trip I've been planning on going on for years, and decided this was the year to do it in January. I am going for a number of reasons.

1) The beauty of Canada. I have never been east of Alberta (well, according to my memory, which is crippled to say the least) and wish to see the rest of this great land of ours. It is astonishing to me that I have traveled to Australia, China, Singapore, and Mexico, but have never seen a prairie sky or Atlantic Ocean lighthouse. Maybe not astonishing... just needing to be remedied. I look forward to taking it in province by province (sorry territories) at a slow pace, enjoying the little towns I pass through and spending nights outside.

2) The "get away from it all" factor. Driving back from West Lake with a friend a few weeks ago I commented to him that what I think I will most enjoy about the trip is the fact I don't have to go to work the next day, or have a music practice, or make that blood donors appointment (though I will still have to keep ignoring their persistent calls). It is a vacation in this sense I suppose, getting away from all the little responsibilities that, though enjoyable, prevent you from real rest. 

I was biking up university hill listening to some Bright Eyes the other evening and felt amazing. The moon was out, the sky was colorful, I stared harmoniously at a deer grazing by the side of the road. Bliss.

3) Personal life reflection. One thing that surprised me graduating from university was the sudden lack of purpose. You go from having your life planned out for you, knowing that you will be attending school, a friend community burgeoning around you, summer jobs in place and transient, to no direction. Maybe not no direction... but certainly no one steering you in the direction you should go. Which is exciting! And terrifying... and what I fought for a few months after graduation. What do I want my next 5 years to look like? Not to etch it in stone, but to gather an idea of what I value most and how I want to pursue those things.
Now, having been out for a year, worked two jobs I really enjoy, and finished an album, I think it is a good time to get to work through what I really value. Do I want to keep living this way? What do I do with this money stuff? Am I fully alive doing what I am doing or do I need to change some things?

4) Its a challenge. Part of me really just wants to be challenged! Physically, emotionally, spiritually. I have only ever done 4 nights of overnight bike camping in my life (...few weeks ago in Banff - Jasper). I actually have made a point of not telling people in bike shops that I am going across Canada... because I feel like they might scoff at my lack of preparedness. I really don't know what lays ahead of me, but I am excited to do something I have never done before and get stretched.

Its been a good last few weeks. Tying up loose ends, finishing up work, having some good conversations. I feel that what I am scared of is losing some comfort and routine. Which is a good thing I think. May my rest be in the hands of the unchanging. 

Its coming close, and Im a bit terrified, but I know in two months I wont regret it. 

The Forest Won't Hold it Against Us

Today I woke up a little glum. I went to starbucks after dropping my bike off to get fixed and went to starbucks. I distractedly read some of my bible before heading outside on the walk hoping to, as the Psalmist I was mildly attentive to encouraged me, "pour out your heart to (God)".

I wonder if my feelings of gloom aren't somehow rooted in my ideal of achievements and success.

Elementary school I had about the best possible life. I was popular, I won the golden shoe award (a highly prestigious athletic award :)), I would play basketball tournaments and win MVP, I won the principal's award (essentially elementary school valedictorian).
In high school I had a few set backs, but life was still pretty awesome. I became the leader of the music team, learning to play music and sing, I was valedictorian, I had a great friend group, I wasn't quite as good at sports (only won the silver shoe... just kidding) but excelled nonetheless.

I got a great card from a friend once that read, "Why don't you stop overachieving and settle into mediocrity like the rest of us?" Besides being hilarious, I think perhaps it has a deep lesson I need to learn! Maybe I am merely having a hard time settling into normality after a childhood of excellence. Having a regular career. Stumbling through living situations and relationships. OK its still abnormal to play concerts and have people listen...

I felt like as I poured out my heart to God and said, "Why isnt this working? Why do I feel unsuccessful? Why do I feel so weak?" He is saying back, "Good! You can't build a foundation on accomplishment you know. In your weakness, that is where I am strong." The picture that came to my mind was this tall, thin pillar with "accomplishment" etched on the side. Sure, it's tall, but it is quite easy to push it over.

I hope that this bicycle ride across Canada cures me. I hope it puts me in right perspective for more than a week or two. I know other times in nature I've thought, "Wow... what I do in life doesn't matter."
Not in a depressive way. But in a, if I wasn't a musician, if I never found a woman, if I lost my career, the forest wouldn't hold it against me.
The moonlight isn't prejudiced against normality.
The rain falls on both the wicked and the righteous.
Neither creation or creator shows favoritism to capacity, only that I try to live to the fullest I can.

The Psalmist writes, "the lowborn are but a breath, the highborn are a lie. If weighed on a scale, they are nothing; together they are only a breath."

It's hard to live as a lie. I'd rather live as a breath, even if I only get just one.